it's been a while since ive had a good cry.. i guess being numb to some things too long got me to crack now.

i guess my dad doesnt like seeing me cry either. i meant to cry in the dark after he left lecturing me today, but he reentered and saw me and attempted to stop me. little does he know..the tears are still falling..

ive had lecture after lecture since earlier this week. everyday a drive to somewhere far enough that i have to listen for long periods of time. to the chevy dealer, to the lexus dealer, to fucking fort lauderdale, to my moms farther job in westchester. all drives that are anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour long drive one way. i havent had a day yet where i do absolutely nothing and just rot.

all this shit and my usual way of coping is eating and im on a fucking diet.

i say fuck the diet. let me die fat, lonely, and with multiple health problems.

i hope the words you write don't hurt.
i'm not sure if i can take anymore hurt.

"fed up"

Two very striking words. It's significance is only relevent to one person.

Friendships are never my strong point. I know I can fully trust three people. I'm not sure if they know my whole life story, but I know I can tell it to them if it ever came up. I know I hold back a lot of stuff, but it mostly is to not bring back bad memories. I don't like showing complete weakness to someone. I usually try to put my "brave face" on and shrug it off. Lately it seems I've been so emotional, and it shows. Everything is getting to me. Pleasing everyone simultaneously isn't working. Life just doesn't seem to be fair. The effort that I'm using isn't quite good enough.

I learn so much from you. I want to learn how to be a friend. I need to work on openness.

Positive Feedback: funny, truthful without trying to be completely hurtful, incredibly thoughtful/helpful/generous, bettering oneself, phrases/lines, smile, good taste in music, seriousness, work ethic, cook, independent thinker, unconditional, sarcastic, slightly arrogant, self-assured..the list is longer, but words can't express much of the things I think.

"Open up your eyes and tell me what you find. Is there room for me inside?"-Paralogic

It just hurts. Truth hurts.

Number Ten--I hate the way I can't hate you.